Bad Connection

As odd as it was to say, the room they were in now felt... damp. Humid, for a better word. There was that stifling thickness that was hard to label otherwise, but it was subtle enough to go without comment. Verbal comment. Locus’ mind was going a mile a minute with various complaints about the room, that negging humidity, the way their suit clung to their body, and the back pressed against their own. They sighed heavily and tensed their brows together. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t feel like leaning against a steel wall.

     “How’re we feeling, pilots?” came a cheery voice over the intercom.

     “Good,” Lotus replied with mocking energy. Their brows arched and head bounced slightly to boot. Behind them, Carnage said nothing. Typical. They could feel Carnage’s arm shift behind them, and they probably gave a gesture of some sort to show their mood.

     “Good, good. Great , even, one would say.” And then, there were a few seconds of chatter just barely coherent through the speaker. Whoever their coordinator was today had a nice voice, Lotus noted, but he was also taking his sweet time, so it really wasn’t much to— “We’ll be beginning the synapsis test in a moment. Just clear your mind. You’ll get a warning before we start.”

     Carnage exhaled slowly. Lotus could feel the tension leave their body through their touching backs. “Finally,” the quieter pilot murmured.

     “That’s what I’m saying.” Lotus decided to follow their lead. They sucked in a breath and then let it out seconds later. It took a moment or two before they could properly clear their mind, but they always struggled with this. One of their physicians said it was a wonder they were a pilot at all... Their lip curled at the memory, and they had to snatch it to the back of their mind once more. This was no time to think about that. Another breath in, another out.

     “Thanks for your patience. We’ll be running the network now. Straighten up your backs.”

     Both pilots did so.

     “And interlock your nodes, if you please.”

Lotus and Carnage tipped ever so slightly to their respective lefts, and the bumps and grooves of their suits slotted into place. With barely any effort, they leaned into each other and caused the nodes to click into place. They leaned forward enough to show that they were stuck before relaxing again. Lotus leaned their head back enough to feel Carnage’s ear brush against their own. Head empty, head empty. This was the hardest part.

     “And in three, two, one...”

The floor began to warm underneath them. Lotus made sure to hold their posture as they felt the familiar tingling sensations underneath their body. They had one leg curled, the other drawn up, and both their hands pressed flat on either side of them. If they weren’t going to move, they might as well be comfortable.

The heat underneath their body shifted to fit along their current silhouette perfectly. Somehow, like this, they felt warmer than before as if they were completely cocooned by the temperature. It didn’t make that barely there humid feeling disappear, but they were able to ignore it in favour of counting the seconds in their head. The next phase always happened at the same time. One would think that if Lotus knew what to expect then they’d be prepared. But, alas.

Once they hit 87, it felt as if dozens of needles pricked up into their body all at once before just as quickly withdrawing. It last for a second, maybe even less than that, but Lotus always startled and tensed. And just like always, Carnage was an immovable force. One day, Lotus would be like them— one day —and they’d be irked to shit every moment that they weren’t.

     “Excellent, both of you,” said the coordinator. “Now, if you can imagine your idyllic place.”

Lotus had something new in mind. They had been reading a lot more and watching colony-side broadcasts in-between launches. This had stimulated their imagination more and made them dream of new, wondrous, maybe fictional places. At first, the exercise had made them feel like a kid again for all the good and ill that brought along with it, but now, they could do it so easily. It was... freeing, oddly. Or at least it felt odd to them. They spent more time day dreaming around the carrier than they did anything else, and it helped them kill time when they were free-floating in space.

Shaping the visual came as easy as breathing. Lotus imagined a coastside city with earth-toned villas and townhouses scattered throughout. There was a single tall fixture, a church tower made of weatherbeaten white stone. The only other building that came close was made from sunwashed adobe, and aside from it being a luxury home of some sort, Lotus hadn’t put much purpose to that particular structure. But the ocean lapping against the coast didn’t need a “purpose,” as it were. It was vast, beautiful, and a deep blue-green that left webs of seafoam against the shallow beach.

It was beautiful. Perfect. Lotus didn’t know if there was a place like this that actually existed, but they were in love with what they had created. They huffed, smiled. Their posture straightened with a bit of a wiggle, though Carnage stayed still behind them. Would poor, poor Carnage go with the same little meadow they always did? It was nice, sure. But it was as boring as they were, a little bland. Only a little pretty. What Lotus made was a masterpiece. They hoped they’d make them cry.

     “Rotating pilots.”

The warmth had spread out again, and now Lotus was adjusting to the sensation. It was as if they were here in this sunlit town. Even though they couldn’t feel the sun on their face, there was still the warmth, the maybe-there breeze against their skin. That could have been the platform they were on spinning them around, but no, no. It felt better to believe it this way. They almost wanted to say something to Carnage to taunt them. Good luck? Enjoy? Better luck next time? Nothing felt pithy enough. They laughed anyway, taking pity on them.

     “Engaging dive in three, two, one.”

The sound shifted to Carnage’s half of the room, bringing the caws of birds—seagulls, maybe? Lotus had only just learned about those; these cries sounded a little familiar. Ah, there it was, the soft push of the ocean, the distant chatter of people. All of that soon faded. Even though Lotus likely wasn’t facing their image anymore, they were right there in the action still! They wiggled excitedly, trying to either pass on their pride to Carnage or rub it in. Likely both.

They waited for their ambient noises—the gentle breeze through the grass, the faint buzzing of bugs, and the crack of branches falling through trees—but those never came. Instead, there was only a single sound. The gong of a bell. Lotus furrowed their brows.

What...?

     “Open your eyes.”

Lotus was quick to do so, curious as hell about the shift in Carnage’s imagination. They expected a meadow, an endless sprawl of pretty, simple grasslands, and yet, their vision was blurry. They saw nothing for the first few seconds. Light modes danced across their vision, and after blinking and rubbing their face, Lotus was finally able to see where they were.

They... had no idea. At first, their mind was too overloaded by the sheer amount of details they were seeing, so they tilted their eyes down slightly to take in something simpler. There were the same number of benches in front of and behind them in this overstimulating space. The floor was marbled in cream and faint, faint hints of gold. They followed a single jagged line as it wove beautifully through the stone before looking back at the bench.

     A pew, Carnage’s voice corrected.

A pew, great. They had something to focus on. They closed their eyes and pulled into Carnage’s mind, seeing them look at the highest point of the white church spire, but they felt nothing in their heart. No awe, no inspiration, no joy, no wonder. Just nothing as if they were staring at an apple that fell on the ground. Lotus opened their eyes again and looked upwards now at the painted octagonal dome above their head. There was a spiral mural of events expertly painted above their head in brownish — Sepia, Carnage corrected — tones with flourishes of subtle colour that broke up each section and made every individual moment count. Lotus prodded Carnage’s mind for an explanation and got nothing.

They looked around at the towering archways of stone so smooth that it looked deceptively soft. Their eyes caught onto elaborate frames over the windows, on judgemental statues carved into the towering columns on either side of every arch. Lotus wanted to stand, but even their metaphysical body was pinned under... under this immeasurable weight. This was nothing like they had ever felt before, and as their eyes slid from one impressive detail to the other, they found themself speechless.

This was awe. This was a terrible and powerful feeling that left them with a heavy tongue. Their fingers tightened around the edge of their pew, and they finally found the strength to look ahead at a recessed dais. There was a tall church—no, cathedral—window with its ornate, latticed brown frame. When their eyes landed on the window, light slowly poured in, rising from the floor and slowly showering Lotus in its warmth.

They didn’t know what to do or say. At least, not at first.

     “What the fuck is this?” they asked into the open air. “Carnage!” They stood now in indignation, confused by how someone as simple and unfussed as Carnage could make something as elaborate as all of this. “Where the hell are you!”

     “Even in a place like this, you have to yell.” Their voice was somewhere behind. Lotus spun around, and there Carnage sat at the very end of the room on a pew facing away from them. “You do nothing but give me headaches.”

     “Whatever– hey. ” They snapped as if that would convince Carnage to turn. They never did in these dives. “What the fuck is all of this.”

     “A cathedral. A church of a kind.”

     Lotus snarled, unable to reconile that Carnage made something so pretty, so massive, so... overwhelming. What happened to all of their little flowers and the bullshit like that? “When did you get—?”

     “I’m not. I don’t think.” Carnage tilted their head and looked up at one of the windows wedged high above. Its glass had an image of someone uncupping their hands and letting a liquid pass through. “It’s just... One day, a while back, I saw something so beautiful, I was terrified.”

     Lotus was too. They hated this, hated them for sharing this stupid fucking feeling. Carnage’s head tilted down slightly, and they barely turned to look over their shoulder. “I like your ocean,” Carnage said. “It’s very pretty.”

     “Fuck y—” Carnage reined it in. They licked their lips and scoffed instead. “Of course it is. You should enjoy it, learn to relax a bit.”

     “I should,” Carnage quietly agreed before standing. “And you should learn some piety, some patience.” They huffed derisively. “Might do you some good.”

And with a step, they were gone. That connection closed only enough to allow them to prod at each other and nothing more. Carnage swallowed as they quickly realised they didn’t want them to go. They shifted slowly, glancing from embedded statute to embedded statue. They turned until they were facing that outpouring of light and felt like they wanted to run away. They wanted to close off their mind, but Carnage had already been here, already left their mark.

Every session was supposed to give them a better understanding of themselves and each other. They were supposed to be learning something here, but all Lotus was learning was that Carnage was full of little nasty surprises. Being alone in this weighty silence was almost too much to bear. Lotus didn’t want to sit down as they could feel deeply buried thoughts slowly unearth themselves.

“Fuck this. Fuck this and fuck you, Carnage,” they hissed. They shook their shoulders and tried to offset the discomfort by trying to channel adrenaline from past fights and near-death experiences. No point in sitting around and waiting for the session to end. Carnage was enjoying themself in Lotus’ mindscape, and even though it’d be... challenging to reciprocate the feeling, Lotus could explore. They scrunched their nose and vowed to find better inspiration for the future. Not only would they be prepared if Lotus tried to pull this shit again, they’d have their own surprise in store.